Lesson #40 - The First GP Of The New Year Requires A List

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Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from THE MAN!!!!!! That is right, folks, I conned drugged asked the man nicely and out of morbid curiosity - he AGREED!!! Really, we were showering and I compared my blog to a high school yearbook. I asked if he remembered those days - where the FIRST person to write in your yearbook was the COOLEST...and your BFF! So, seeing as this is my first guest post of the New Year, I didn't want to be that kid in the corner with no one to sign my yearbook. Yeah...I guilted him into it...he totally could have said no (yeah, right)!! So...here he is my blogtopia friends...THE MAN:

So after my many weeks of trying to figure out what I lessons that I've learned in my life that I want to impart on you, and by weeks I mean about 20 minutes. I've decided that we'll go with the top 10 lessons that I try to live by!

10. If Law and Order is on then we will be watching it! Not only do I like it but so does WM!

9. If you're early, then you're on time. If you're on time then you're late. If you're late, then WM will never let you forget it!

8.You get to live your life the way you want to up until the baby pops out! Then you get to continue living the way you want to until the baby decides she is hungry, tired, bored, needs a changing, wants to be held, played with, or just make you do things at her will!

7. Most people really are stupid! Now some of you are thinking that that is a little harsh, but let me explain first. WM and I  were at a party and the TV was on showing a picture of the White House. A fellow party goer in all their wisdom chimed in "what is that building," to which I replied it's the White House. Their shocking answer was, "but where is the dome?"  REALLY? A dome on the White House? I explained to them that they probably took it down because they had to take the holiday decorations off and clean it. They agreed, saying that "it probably looked really nice with the dome lit up for the holidays." And this was a guy with a college degree!

6. If WM isn't happy then no one is happy! And if they are, then there will be hell to pay!

5. Cherish your family and friends! Cause at some point you're going to want them to babysit and clean that dirty diaper!

4. Put your all in everything you do!

3. Plan for the worst, and hope for the best! Gotta love when the diaper is just pee!

2. Do what ever needs to be done. That way, the things you forget to do is less work for WM.

1. Don't ever embarrass WM! Unless it's for fun! Cause sometimes it's just funny to talk a little extra loudly in the grocery store about which condoms we should have used!

I hope everyone was able to enjoy their holiday vacation as much as I did!!! It was nice meeting everyone - and I look forward to seeing you all again soon! The Man - Over and Out...

Lesson #36 - Sometimes Life Throws You A Lot Of Little Lessons

Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from The Queen Martini. Martinis or Diaper Genies is a wonderfully funny blog...seriously, I very large puffy pink heart this chick! So she might be a little rough around the edges and okay she doesn't exactly come off as nice - all the time - but everyone can appreciate her drunken (and even some not-so-drunken) stories! I SERIOUSLY suggest you follow MODG here. I hope you have some popcorn popped...these are good ones!!

Lessons Learned: Battle Wounds.

Somehow I get hurt. A lot. I don’t play sports. I don’t really do much of anything other than sit at a computer for 32 hours a day. Yes in my day there are 32 hours. But I keep getting hurt. Let’s explore together how we can all learn from my scabs.

I’m staring at a battle wound on my wrist right now from a scab I keep picking. Not just any scab, like the deepest wrinkliest cracky scab from a burn no less. The best part? I don’t even remember getting it because I was so drunk. I THINK I reached into the oven to pull out some apps that I made at 2am. And by apps I mean mini frozen hot dogs . Which I’m totes ok with because of their delicious factor.

Lesson Learned: Don’t make white trash oven food when drunk.

Yesterday my foot gave birth to the tip of a toothpick. I’m not kidding. The grossest part is that I dragged it in my foot from DC 4 days earlier. I was drunk…again…and barefoot. And I danced all over a giant pile of toothpicks. It hurt but I couldn’t tell if I was just stabbed or if my foot actually sucked some pick inside of it. Well yesterday I’m like F, this still hurts. So I SQUEEZED and like the most satisfying pimple squeeze a small piece of pointy wood sloooowly birthed itself out of my foot. I taped it to a piece of paper and saved it.

Lesson Learned: Don’t bring back party utensils inside your body, across state lines.

My foot is gimp and swollen. It has been for 2 weeks. And guess what? I can’t wear heels because of it. ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT considering I am 5’2’’. I don’t know how it happened but I THINK it’s from trying on 5 inch heels that cost more than an ’84 Lebaron. So that’s some karma for you right there. This is my most depressing injury yet. But I wasn’t drunk this time. Amazing.

Lesson Learned: Match your accessory quality to your income. Undershoot if necessary but overshooting makes karma hate you.

After reading this you may think I’m 22, single and some cool party girl. This is where you are wrong. I’m 29, married and I live in the suburbs. I’m just not that smart. I also have yet to grow up. For this reason I have no babies. For this reason my blog debates if I SHOULD have a baby and exactly when.

Would you like to weigh in on my life? Visit MODG. I’ll probably insult you at some point. Be warned.

Heart you.

Transient Tuesday Guest Posts

These "Chosen Few" have been featured on the weekly Transient Tuesday segment. They are all fabulous writers and I HIGHLY suggest you go to their sites and start following - if you aren't already! Interested in being a guest blogger - well get off your ass a send me an email!

October 24th: Lesson #8 - Sometimes You Just Need To Laugh...The Brunette

November 24th: Lesson #16 - A Moth Can Kill You If It Really Wants To...The Cribbed

December 1st: Lesson #20 - Pride Is A Strong Feeling...The Vodka Lover

December 8th: Lesson #24 - Pepper Spray In The Sock Drawer Is Useless...The Pregnant Wine-O

December 15th: The Bitch was a slacker and couldn't get me her post in time...alas...no guest this week :(

December 22nd: Lesson #31 - One Joint Christmas Is Better Than Two...Right?!...The Bathroom Mommy

December 29th: Lesson #36 - Sometimes Life Throws You A Lot Of Little Lessons...The Queen Martini

January 5th: Lesson #40 - The First GP Of The New Year Requires A List...THE MAN

January 12th: Lesson #45 - Guilt Is Good...The Triple Threat

January 19th: Lesson #50 - Never Drive In England...The (Un)Experienced Mama

January 26th: Lesson #56 - Always Have Two Pairs Of Shoes Handy...The Frog Mama

February 2nd: Lesson #61 - Being A SAHM Has Advantages...The Dumb Mom

February 9th: Lesson #67 - It Is Good To Be The Dad...The Technical Parent

February 16th: THE BITCH (Finally) 

March 9th: Lesson #76 - Potty Training Is Dangerous...The Rocker Mom

March 16th, 23rd, 30th: Times were rough...and blogger screwed up some of my posts. No guests on these Tuesdays :(

April 6th: The Sassy Duck

April 13th: The Crayon Wragler

April 20th: The Walking Cliche

April 27th: The Chief