Lessons Learned: Battle Wounds.
Somehow I get hurt. A lot. I don’t play sports. I don’t really do much of anything other than sit at a computer for 32 hours a day. Yes in my day there are 32 hours. But I keep getting hurt. Let’s explore together how we can all learn from my scabs.
I’m staring at a battle wound on my wrist right now from a scab I keep picking. Not just any scab, like the deepest wrinkliest cracky scab from a burn no less. The best part? I don’t even remember getting it because I was so drunk. I THINK I reached into the oven to pull out some apps that I made at 2am. And by apps I mean mini frozen hot dogs . Which I’m totes ok with because of their delicious factor.
Lesson Learned: Don’t make white trash oven food when drunk.
Yesterday my foot gave birth to the tip of a toothpick. I’m not kidding. The grossest part is that I dragged it in my foot from DC 4 days earlier. I was drunk…again…and barefoot. And I danced all over a giant pile of toothpicks. It hurt but I couldn’t tell if I was just stabbed or if my foot actually sucked some pick inside of it. Well yesterday I’m like F, this still hurts. So I SQUEEZED and like the most satisfying pimple squeeze a small piece of pointy wood sloooowly birthed itself out of my foot. I taped it to a piece of paper and saved it.
Lesson Learned: Don’t bring back party utensils inside your body, across state lines.
My foot is gimp and swollen. It has been for 2 weeks. And guess what? I can’t wear heels because of it. ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT considering I am 5’2’’. I don’t know how it happened but I THINK it’s from trying on 5 inch heels that cost more than an ’84 Lebaron. So that’s some karma for you right there. This is my most depressing injury yet. But I wasn’t drunk this time. Amazing.
Lesson Learned: Match your accessory quality to your income. Undershoot if necessary but overshooting makes karma hate you.
After reading this you may think I’m 22, single and some cool party girl. This is where you are wrong. I’m 29, married and I live in the suburbs. I’m just not that smart. I also have yet to grow up. For this reason I have no babies. For this reason my blog debates if I SHOULD have a baby and exactly when.
Would you like to weigh in on my life? Visit MODG. I’ll probably insult you at some point. Be warned.
Heart you.
14 comments:
This is hilarious! Thanks for visiting today and commenting on my Kat Von D post honey. I hope you and your family have a fantastic new year. Kori xoxo
That was nice to read.
You can practice as much as you want, without having a baby, go ahead, it's ok!
This girl's foot doesn't stand a chance. Between stress fractures and embedded toothpicks, MODG is never gonna get to wear her Loubs.
Some good life lessons there! Stopping by from SITS!
Have an Extraordinary Day!
I had that toothpick problem once. Except it was my left shin and a piece of rock. Months after a fairly spectacular bike jump and subsequent wipe out, I noticed a gray spot on my shin. Being a teenaged boy at the time, naturally I took a knife and poked at it. Out popped this little stone contained in a sheath of my own skin. My body had isolated the stone and left it there.
I'm headed over to MODG now.
-Joshua
You want to hear something even sadder than the current state of your feet???? I can not wear heels EVER. My hubs is shorter than I am when I put them on and it makes me not like him. Even though most of the time I don't like him anyway, this just pushes it over the edge. And I'm only 5'6". But I whore the shit out of the kitten heel, its all I have. sniff sniff . . .
MODG never seems to disappoint. She's crazy, random, and hilarious!
Dancing on toothpicks? Where were you? Wait, maybe I don't want to know, but OUCH....that would hurt.
I'm with Secretia, practice makes perfect on the baby making. You can always practice until the big day.
Thanks for the guest post love! I'm a mess. I was a hot mess way before that tranny kid from project runway said it.
Well MODG, that was interesting birthing experience... I wonder, when you finally have your baby are going to tape him/her up on a piece of paper? love you girl!
my mom said her feet grew half a size with each kid she had (three)...another reason not to have kids, you'd have to start your current shoe collection all over again.
I have to differ with you on matching your accessory quality with your income. I personally believe that you should dress to the level you aspire to be. That or, I am currently unemployed, so my accessory quality ALWAYS exceeds my income.
What Moomby fails to mention is that your feet will grow, but your boobs with shrink a cup size with each kid.
Hilariousness. I love drinking stories. They make up a good portion of my life.
I'm thinking we need to get your feet insured now.
You are officially on my blogroll now. No pressure to keep me laughin' or anything! xoxo
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