Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from The Bathroom Mommy. Mommy is in the Bathroom is an INSANELY FUNNY blog!! If you aren't already a loyal follower, I think you're missing out! Granted, she is taking a blogcation (but was FAB enough to share this lesson with us this week) but you'll be sorry if you haven't started following her here once she returns! Without any further ado...this is the story of dinner lessons (kind of) learned!
I was 21 years old the first time I cooked Christmas dinner for my family- my mom, dad and sister- and my hubby's family- about 25 people.
For your reference, I'm pretty sure Roseann Bar based the Connors off my hubby's family. Except hubby's family isn't laid back and funny. Mine is. His family thinks the Rapture and end of times will occur if everything isn't exactly how it always is.
They're Jackie from Roseann. 25 Jackies I was about to cook my first big dinner for.
It was our first Christmas in our brand new house. I wanted to show what a great housewife I would make.
So I planned. I started planning in November. I was going all out. 7+ appetizers, 10+ side dishes, 3 types of meat, desserts, the works.
My mom and sister came over the day before Christmas Eve to help me prep. My family always does our big thing on Christmas Eve at my parents house with our close family friends, so no prep would be done on that day until well into the wee morning hours.
We prepped as much as we could. We planned the menu timing so every thing would finish around the same time. We set up tables and more tables and decorations. I put out the high class paper plates and plastic silverware.
Yes, I may have over did the food, but there was no way I was going to do dishes for 31 people. I had been at previous Christmas dinners with the hubby's family. Nobody but his Grandma and Mom helped. With anything.
Christmas day his family arrived late full of presents and worry. My family arrived early to help me.
In comes hubby's mom and grandma. OH MY GOD WHAT WERE WE DOING?
Where was the corn? That's all the corn we have? There is only five cans of CORN FOR 30 PEOPLE MELISSA!!!! THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.
I have 13 other side dishes hubby mom and grandma. I think we'll be ok.
NO! YOU DON'T KNOW OUR FAMILY AND CORN. OH MY GOD!!!! SOMEONE HAS TO RUN OUT RIGHT NOW AND GET MORE CORN!!!!!
What do you mean your family and corn? Are you serious right now?
YES!!!! WAIT.... OH HOLY LORD THAT'S ALL THE MASHED POTATOES YOU HAVE???
No, I have those, scalloped potatoes and potatoes au gratin. We peeled over 75 potatoes. I think we have enough.
YOU MADE REAL POTATOES??? NOBODY IS GOING TO EAT THAT. OH MY GOD!! DIDN'T YOU KNOW WE ONLY EAT BOXED MASHED POTATOES MELISSA?!?! OH MY GOD. PICK UP 6 BOXES OF POTATO FLAKES WITH THE CORN! OH GOD, THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.
At this point, I'm biting my tongue and pinching myself so hard I look like I was in a fight with 3rd grade girl. My sister is ready to go ninja and my mom is drinking herself into oblivion.
Hey Melissa, where are the plates and forks? My hubby's uncle asks me standing right in front of the table holding the super fancy paper plates and plasticware.
You're using paper plates?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you needed Waterford Crystal to eat your boxed mashed potatoes and 4 lbs of effing canned corn...
Of course, this was coming from the guy who was supposed to supply the pop for 31 people and showed up with a 2 liter of off brand Cola and Diet Cola. But no one said a word about that. Instead, I only had 2 gallons of milk for 31 people. Cuz didn't I know every single person drinks huge glasses of milk with Christmas dinner??
My hubby ran to the gas station and bought 15 cans of corn and 5 boxes of mashed potatoes. I made them all.
My appetizers went untouched by his family. Instead, all 3 bags of Lays Ruffles, Doritos, and Cheesey Poofs from my pantry disappeared.
All night I listed to the unbelievable sin I committed of only buying 5 cans of corn, making real mashed potatoes, having only 2 gallons of milk and using paper plates and plasticware.
No one said thank you but my family. No one said it tasted good but my family. His family bitched I didn't have enough containers for them to pack up the left overs (of EVERYTHING, even the appetizers no one ate) and had to use ziplock bags.
No wonder they require so much corn. I wasn't only feeding them tonight. I was feeding them for the next week.
Hubby's cousins, who were our age and already had toddlers, didn't watch them.
Think back to your life before kids. How annoying other peoples kids are when you don't have any of your own. Nothing is more infuriating than watching and listening to other peoples kids scream, cry, and tear your brand new house apart while their parents sit their lazy asses on the couches and bitch about not having left over containers to take home all the food they bitched about eating.
My family left as soon as dinner was over. They couldn't take it anymore.
The following year his family wanted Christmas at our house because it's the only one big enough to comfortably hold everyone. I, with a severe case of new mommy brain, agreed. My family shockingly decided to stay home on Christmas day that next year.
But I, of course, put my passive aggressive smart ass spin on it.
I made a turkey, bought 20 cans of corn (why do you have so much corn, Melissa?), made 10 boxes of mashed potatoes (that's a lot of potatoes, Melissa), 6 gallons of milk (those are going to go bad. We should take those with us, Melissa), stuffing, and a couple bags of salad and frozen biscuits. Appetizers were chips. His grandma brought the desserts. And his family brought their own take home containers that year.
I guess lessons sorta learned?
No, lesson was learned this year, 7 years later, when I finally said, we're not hosting Christmas. We'll see ya when dinner is served.