Lesson #70 - Being Single Is A Bitch...Then Again, So Am I

Okay friends...my Blogger totally f-ed me and I didn't even know it!!! My laptop died (I mean, hardcore D-E-D DEAD) , but before it went out I had quite a few posts planned (minus the one where I chose a giveaway winner because, duh, I had to wait until Sunday). However, for some reason the posts never posted :-( **tears** Anyways, here is the long awaited guest post from - THE BITCH!!!!! So, kick up your feet folks - here she goes.......

-I recently found myself turning to a close friend and firmly stating, "The next person to make a comment in regards to my relationship status is going to find my foot up their ass."  Unfortunately, Working Mommy was almost that person.  (Again, Dearest Friend, I apologize.)  But, seriously: Why is it such a big deal that I'm 25 and single?  I have a good job, I'm in school studying Business Law, I have an amazing circle of friends, my family is fantastic, I'm in good shape, my health is fabulous... It is really necessary for me to have a man in order to lead a complete life when I'm not even 30 yet?!  Me thinks not.

-While I am quite happy with my life as it is at the moment, I do often find myself a bit sad when put into a certain situation.  For those of us who have spent extended periods of time living the single life, we all know what that situation is: being the third or fifth wheel.  Ugh.  I just cringed a bit.  Don't get me wrong, I have a couple friends with whom I can have a total blast with when their significant other is around.  Working Mommy has landed an amazing husband who I absolutely adore and I always have fun with the two of them.  [*Correction: Working Mommy's husband has landed an amazing woman.]  However, I also have friends who know exactly how to make me feel uncomfortable when their partner is around.  I know it's bad when I realize that I am physically restraining myself from running toward the door.  No, I don't think your boyfriend is the most amazing man in the world.  No, I don't care about what the two of you did last weekend.  Stop rubbing his back.  Stop holding hands.  Stop caressing his knee.  Stop running your fingers through his hair.  "Please excuse me, I need to make my way to the nearest restroom, as I suddenly feel the urge to vomit."

-On that note, I completely understand how a gal is when she's head-over-heels for the man in her life.  I've been there (believe it or not).  You want to talk about him all the time.  You want to spend every free second of your day with him.  You greatly anticipate the next time you'll hear his voice.  You get giddy at the thought of making plans to go on a vacation.  I totally get it.  However, it IS okay to spend time with your friends... ready for this?... away from you boyfriend.  GASP!  He doesn't have to tag along for everything.  I promise: you won't forget how to breathe when he's not around.

-Now on to the dating dilemma.  Yes: I have tried the whole online-match-me-with-my-perfect-soul-mate thing.  Maybe I'm just impatient, but it was unsuccessful.  After several awkward and/or boring first dates, I became apprehensive and soon stopped replying to messages.  Wait, I take that back... One lucky man made it to date #3.  Then quickly became obsessive/stalkerish.  (Side note to the male followers: When a woman says she doesn't like getting flowers because they're too showy, don't insist on sending a dozen  embarrassing roses to her place of employment.  It's not a good idea and will quickly backfire.  However, arriving to pick her up with a few simple daisies: adorable and sweet.)  Then there are those guys who are friends of friends of someone's second cousin.  Set me up on a blind date with a guy named Maynard? Sure, that sounds like a brilliant idea.  And when the date ends horribly, I'm supposed to apologize for it not working out with so-and-so's coworker's dog sitter?!  Um, no.  Sorry your friend's a loser, but I refuse to feel bad because you have inadequate match-making skills.  (I once went on a date with a die-hard liberal.  For those who know me: REALLY bad idea.)  Then there are the bar-pick-ups.  When we first meet, we have a fantastic time and think it'll be a brilliant idea to exchange numbers.  On the first actual date, we both quickly realize that it isn't going anywhere unless the waiter brings us three rounds of shots.  Pronto!

-At this point, I'm just venting my frustrations.  I know I won't be single for the rest of my life.  I'm just getting impatient.  Damnit!  But let's face it: When your friends have significant others, you hate your single life and feel overwhelmingly lonely.  Then, when you find yourself a year into a relationship, you secretly long for those nights out as a single gal.  The grass is always greener on the other side... And there are very few weeds.

Lesson #4 - Weddings (In Any Form) Are NOT For The Faint Of Heart

Let me first start by clarifying something. By "in any form" I do mean any form. This includes (but is not limited to) the; engagement before, planning of, contacting of vendors for, paying for, being in, or attending of a wedding. When you really stop and think about ALL of the aspects involved - it is mind-boggling, I promise. Consider, for a minute, these fascinating - and (mostly) true - statistics...as compared to those of the man and myself:

* The average engagement lasts 15 months in the US (ours was 3 months)
* An average couple will use 16 different vendors (we used 8)
* The most popular wedding month is June (ours was in January)
* A traditional American wedding costs about $22k (we spent about $10k)
* 99% of newlyweds choose to go on a honeymoon (we did not)

I say mostly true statistics for a number of reasons...the biggest being that wedding vendors don't like to divulge how much they ACTUALLY charge for their services. There are a lot of vendors - like photographers, videographers and tuxedo rentals (like Men's Warehouse) - who charge a set prices for the products or services they provide. There are even more vendors - like florists, reception locations and dress suppliers (like David's Bridal) - who charge a variable price. That is really what makes the planning of, contacting vendors for and paying for a wedding so stressful. The cost of flowers, for instance, varies from a $.30 per stem rose to a $5 per stem hydrangea and beyond.

The above statements only account for the stresses of the couple - and any other willing party helping to pay for the event. We then have those brave (or misdirected) souls who agree to be a part of the bridal party. Call them best friends, call them family, by golly you can even call them crazy, but don't - under any circumstance - call them sober. I'm not quite sure what it is about a rented tuxedo or a teal blue taffeta dress that SCREAMS "I need to be drunk"...ok, maybe I can see the connection, but it has happened at every wedding I have ever been to - the wedding of the man and myself was no exception.

One of the best men (they were all best men and maids/matrons of honor so we didn't have to choose a favorite) was selected by popular vote - really, he was forced by the other best men - to give a speech. Well, lets just say that he isn't much of a public speaker and alcohol really leaves something to be desired. While I'm sure it helped him get over his fear of crowds, the bulk of his speech consisted of, "I love you guys" and "I really love you guys." The rest of the drunken debauchery - people being flipped off their beds mid-sleep and paintings being knocked off walls - happened within the walls of individual hotel rooms...thank goodness! I'm sure, though, that when making reservations at another Marriott at any point in the future, the operator will hesitate a minute to read the note on my rewards account, "Beware - This rewards member has been known to associate with the following "unsavory" individuals: a minister who, in a drunken fit, added over $2k in damages to his final hotel bill; grown men who, in a semi-conscious state, were caught canoodling in the hotel lobby; and other various trouble-makers."

In all honesty, our wedding was peanuts compared to one I attended a few years back - strictly as a guest. I didn't even know the couple, but I went with a friend. The wedding was interesting from the beginning. The actual ceremony was held in the same space as the reception. While this isn't usually a problem, it becomes a problem when the table I am sitting at during your nuptials magically transforms by my turning 90 degrees to eat. It is boring and unimaginative...and I dislike it...a lot!! Besides that, the ceremony was beautiful...the couple wrote their own vows...parents and grandparents cried. Little did they know what was soon to come!!!

The groom's brother, who was the best man, also had claim to the aforementioned public speaking phobia. By the end of the ceremony it seemed as though he went from sober to completely, utterly, drop-your-pants-and-boxers-to-run-around-the-reception-hall wasted about as quickly as I can go from giggling to get-the-hell-out-of-my-way-if-you-want-to-live-to-see-your-next-birthday pissed during my happy time of the month. The entire shin-dig-turned into a train wreck in the blink of an eye...and I was happy to watch the pieces fall apart.

About the middle of the reception, the DJ gets on the mic and says, "it has come time for the groom's attendants to leave the room to get ready for their surprise" - oh lord!! Surprise, now, here, tonight?!?! Don't mind if I do...have any popcorn?? This, I knew, was going to be the BEST time for popcorn. Once the guys had left, the DJ then continued by asking for the bride's attendants to each get a chair and congregate in the center of the dance floor. At this point I just KNEW whatever was coming next was going to be good!! The bride's attendants then brought their significant others onto the dance floor and each one (the men) sat in a chair. Not more than 30 seconds after the guys sat down, the DJ started playing some raunchy go-go song. The guys who were, at this point, thinking "hell yeah...I'm gonna get a lap dance from my girl" soon changed their tune when the groom's attendants came into the room...wearing the worst looking clubbing clothes I have ever seen in my life. I can't even begin to describe the picture in enough detail to really convey what I saw - mostly because months of therapy has forced those pictures out of my mind. Lets just say that grandma almost had a heart attack.

When it came time for his speech, the best man couldn't even see straight! He was holding a bottle of Jack - with his name on it - in one hand and the mic in his other hand. I'm not sure if he didn't prepare a speech or if he just forgot what he was going to say...either way, no one could understand a damn word he was saying. Another groomsman walked up to the best man with some words written on a napkin...but he couldn't get through that either. So, reluctantly, the best man relegated his mic duties to the groomsman, who finished the speech for him. The best man then stormed out of the room slurring something and waiving his Jack bottle around his head like a lasso - thank goodness the cap was on.

Thankfully it soon came time to leave. My date wanted to say goodbye to the bride, since he was a friend from her side, so we scoured the hall for her. Wouldn't you know it - we found her at the bar!! After he hugged her and said his goodbyes, I just had to chime in...I couldn't help it!! I asked, with the most innocent face I could muster, "I loved that skit the guys did...was that something they came up with and what did they have to do to get you to agree to it?" Much to my dismay, her response was, "I'm so glad you liked it!!! It was MY idea!!" OH. DEAR. GOD!!!!

So, the lesson within the lesson is - it could ALWAYS be worse.

Lesson #1 - True Love WILL Find You (Eventually)

I have had my share of relationships...but the best, most rewarding, one I have ever had is one that I am still in - with my husband (know from here on out as "The Man"). He is loving, hysterical, genuine, great at cuddling and BEST of all - he is an excellent father. There are more qualities that make him fabulous, of course, but this is a blog - not a novel!!

The man and I met via online dating. Now, I know what you're thinking...and you shouldn't be thinking it!!! After my college years came and went, it was that much harder finding someone compatible with my lifestyle. I work a 9-5 job and sit in traffic for about 2 hours every day. While I do live in a major metro area, I have realized the whole bar/club scene is more for a hook-up and not finding a soul mate. When I get off work the only thing I am interested in is a quality conversation over a nice meal followed by cuddling on the couch. (Enter: Dating Site)

I had originally joined the world of online dating to meet as many people as I could - without having to go to bars or clubs. The plan worked to an extent. I met guys whose personalities definitely made it obvious as to why they were 35+ and still single. You know the type - self-involved, likes to hear himself talk, doesn't offer to pay for dinner (or even coffee!), drives the mid-life crisis car (even though he isn't anywhere CLOSE to mid-life) and his only relationship longer than a few months has been with his cat. Those were the dates that I wished came with a warning sign, "Proceed Only If Willing To Play Second Fiddle To Cat." Seriously?! Not even a dating site could help these guys!!

On the flip side of that, I also met quite a few great gentlemen. I say gentlemen and not guys because they truly embodied everything that a woman (at least me) would want. Conversations with him weren't like pulling teeth, his jokes were actually funny (imagine that!), he paid for dinner AND he even held the door. My husband definitely falls into this category...

Up to this point I was meeting for coffee or happy hour. I know it doesn't sound intimate, but dating is like a job interview - you don't get to meet the CEO on your first go-around. You have to sit and talk with the person who will be your direct boss to get all of those uncomfortable "where do you want to be in 5 years" type questions out of the way first. This is to make sure your goals are in line with the overall view of the world. Then you meet with the rest of the staff in your department for the "are you as crazy as we are" type questions. These are a little more important because you'll be dealing with these people on an everyday basis...so you want to make sure you get along. Only after those first two rounds are done do you get to sit in the big, plush chair for the "what is your favorite color" type questions with the Big Cheese. This is to make sure your personality is compatible with the rest of group.

For our first meeting, the man and I decided to get drinks at a local restaurant. The location was neutral (VERY important) and was good for a good conversation or a quick exit - whichever was necessary for this particular meeting. Turns out good conversation was an understatement!! Neither one of us thought that we would be meeting our soul mate that night, but that is exactly what happened!!

We talked (and talked, and talked) into the wee hours of the morning (literally). We talked about silly things, like our favorite activities as kids, and serious things, like politics and the economy. We both agreed, after only a few hours, that we were meant to be together and, if it had been feasible, we probably would have flown to Vegas for a wedding. Neither one of us wanted to go home, but with the next work day fast approaching we knew that good-bye was in order. We both agreed that we had found exactly what we had always been looking for - true love...

That is where our story began.