Monday, December 28

Lesson #35 - It Takes All Kinds...To Write A Holiday Card

When I was a kid - I LOVED getting mail. It came on my birthday and Christmas - mostly cards, but some had money...and I think that is what started my love for the mail. As I got older, I realized that the mail was actually an evil thing containing bills and marketing pieces that I surely did not want to read (among other things, of course). I still have some sort of love for the mail - especially around Christmas. Now that I'm all growed up the much anticipated Christmas cards now come addressed to Mr. and Mrs. The Man and The Babe...I am no longer lumped into the after-thought of "and family" but I am now on the important side. SWEET! Sure enough, the cards that come always put a smile on my face.

There are a few, though, that just make you go, "are you kidding me?!" One of my family members - *who shall be called "Joan" - is far from an A-type personality. I can imagine that she doesn't socialize very much and only leaves the house to go to work. I look forward to HER envelope the most - if for nothing else than the sheer comedic value. Now, I know that some of you have those family members who send out the 1 page "family update of (insert year)" and give a run-down of every. single. detail (its okay if you are one of them...I guess!). Well my friends...Joan is that relative in my family - but instead of the customary (and easy to read) 1 pager...hers is ALWAYS 4 pages OR MORE! Not only is it long as all heck - but it is written in the 3rd person, which makes it that much funnier. What follows are a few excerpts from this year's 8 page update.

"In February, Joan* took her car, an Oldsmobile 1987, to the Buick body shop for body repair. The serviceman was from Haiti (please note, I have nothing against those of different ethnicity...this is just a reprint of what was written). While he was not rude, he has not yet adopted the American culture. He was not about to please the customer. He gave Joan* a hard time. He started by telling he that he might not be able to find all the necessary parts. Then he said that his servicemen were busy. Then he said that the only serviceman who could work on an Oldsmobile was sick and would be unavailable for three weeks. Then he wanted to know who was going to pay for the repair services. The excuses continued from February to March. Joan* loves her car. She did not give up. The car was finally repaired in March."

"In October, Joan's* number of days of work in the store decreased to one day a week. Many employees experienced the same decline. It was a mystery. There were plenty of shoppers. Was the store cutting down on costs? Were the shoppers buying less or the cheaper clothes? Since the reason was not clear, Joan* did not complain. In the middle of December she found out why. The store had hired too many employees for the Christmas season and the assistant to the manager did not know how to make a fair allocation of work hours."

"On Halloween day, Joan* had to work. She wanted to wear an orange wig and a witch's garb, to amuse the children. However, the manager of the store decided against Halloween costumes."

These are just a few things in this letter that made me laugh out loud...oh how I wish the only thing I had to worry about were whether or not I could wear a witch outfit to work...alas, things are a little more complicated that that around here!!

So, your turn to spill...who is that ONE family member that just takes the cake when it comes to holiday cards (or holiday gatherings)?!?!

12 comments:

Gay Vaughan said...

Hello via SITS...this made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the laugh and Happy New Year!
itsahodgepodgelife.blogspot.com

Joshua said...

I always dreaded Christmas Cards. I write enough in my daily life and don't have enough time to do the writing I want to do. But the wife insists on hand-writing the envelopes instead of running them through a Word Merge and printing them out. Now that we have kids, I can convince to spend the money on the photo cards with a family picture, thereby reducing the amount of actual writing I have to do for them. Still would be easier to run them through the printer. Oh well.

-Joshua

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I need to land myself on Joan's holiday card list! That is hilarious! I do have one couple that sends the craziest cards and I am DYINGt o blog about it but I am scared they may read it one day. Boo.

Mae Rae said...

I have no one at this time who sends out the letter. I do have the one piece of mail that we get from that one relative that we see only at funerals. It always has the guilt trip in it. Like we can travel that far with three kids, you are retarded * oops, retired, why don't you come visit us?

Menopausal New Mom said...

No wonder you look forward to her cards. They are a riot. Joan* needs to get a blog!

Amanda said...

Hahahaha, I love "Joan's" card. I agree with you - I wish my problem was that I couldn't get my Oldsmobile fixed or wear a witch costume, lol.

I enjoy sending out Christmas cards, but I keep it to a couple of personal lines at the bottom. Nothing overly gushy, and for sure not a one pager. I hope that when I have kids I don't turn into the mom who gives the full rundown (ie. - Jimmy lost 3 teeth this year). Yikes.

John Deere Mom said...

Do you know you wrote "Are you kissing me?" instead of kidding me? That made me laugh out loud too! :)

Anti-Supermom said...

Can you get me on Joan's Christmas card list? This would be the highlight of my year.

LOL.

Daffy said...

4 pages...wow...ya, I got nothing...

We don't get 'The Letter' anymore. That side of the family doesn't speak to us. Lucky me :O) We did get one guilt trip note along with a Christmas card from some extended family on hubs side. It chastised us for not spending time with his elderly grandmother and droned on about how upset she was that no one called her on her birthday a few weeks ago. in the 8 years I've been with hubs, only his brother has called him on his birthday (about every other year). I don't feel bad that she's all of a sudden worried about not having her family around her.

Sheesh

kys said...

My MIL is usually good for a holiday letter that is guaranteed to piss me off. For example, last year she went into great detail about every single member of the family (including great-nieces and great-nephews) but did not mention my youngest child one time.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

This is too funny. I actually love reading the letters we get. Although none are as exquisite as Joan's*. I agree...she should get a blog!

I think next year I'll do a letter and I will start writing it after New Year's Day.

Raine said...

omg, so funny! I cant believe she writes all of that. You think she writes it all year? In Dec she just prints it?

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