Saturday, November 21

Lesson #14 - Even If You Think You Are...You Are Never Alone

This post was inspired by a recent post by another blogger. I always wondered if I was alone in the world, but after reading her stuff I realized that I have found a kindred spirit! If you haven't already read her posts, RUN - DO NOT WALK to Speaking From The Crib IMMEDIATELY. It is some of the BEST wet-your-pants material you will read. EVER!

I don't know about you...but I have a big mouth...not to be confused with a loud mouth...which I also have, on occasion. No, those people not only spew whatever comes into their minds like they suffer from diarrhea of the mouth, but they also do it in such a manner so that EVERYONE in EVERY corner of the Super Wal-mart can hear EACH. LAST. FREAKING. WORD. But I digress.

I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and, much to the man's dismay (and that of numerous friends who have been the unfortunate companion during one of my bouts), I tend to spew at the WORST times. There is a bit of thought that goes into the situation before I spew - despite what those around me may think. Take, for example, a past trip to the mall. Now, I have definitely made my fair share of trips to the mall...this one, however, seems to stick out in my mind the most.

It was a crummy day outside and I wanted to walk. Keep in mind that this was pre-motherhood, so my thoughts towards those with offspring wasn't what they are currently - now that I are one. Also remind yourself that this was a time when the Sept. 11th attacks weren't just a vague notion, but still fresh in peoples' minds. Anyways, I wanted to walk and walk I did. In and out of stores I went, down one side of the mall and back up the other side. I was there to walk laps, albeit casually, not to shop - for once.

As I made my way around the second floor and proceeded to the first floor, I noticed a large pack (think = wolves) of toddlers and teens walking my way. The children seemed to be making their way towards me at a rapid rate of speed as I got off of the escalator. I felt like an elderly woman in the grocery store parking lot having to dive away from an on-coming car because I wasn't crossing the cross-walk fast enough nor did I bother to give a quick "thanks" to the driver who paused momentarily and is now cursing me. Little did I notice the mothers (that is right kids, there were MANY of them) of said children pushed strollers behind them in hot pursuit. While I wouldn't usually comment on such a situation, I felt it necessary to do so this particular time because I was almost the unfortunate victim of a woman who had lost her shopping-cart-pushing-rights and decided to have a kid so she would have lifetime stroller-pushing-rights.

Note: Ladies, if you have issues pushing a damn shopping cart AND you plan on having kids sometime in the future - take some DAMN lessons!! A shopping cart is quite similar to a stroller. The. End.

As the mothers raced past me, I mumbled, "Jesus, what do you think that thing is - a f@%king airplane?" Oh...did I forget to mention that said mothers and children were not of the Caucasian, African American or Hispanic ethnicity?? Well, no, they weren't...which might have been why the reference to a plane came so easily in my bout of mouth diarrhea.

I didn't say it LOUD but apparently I said it loud ENOUGH. YIKES! I can't be certain, but I am sure that day I ended with more jihads sent my way than when I woke up. It was a scary experience...I really thought I would get jumped. Though, it wasn't scary enough for me to learn my lesson and keep my mouth shut from that point on...because...lets be much fun would that REALLY be?!?!
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