Lesson #34 - Sick Humor Is Better Than No Humor

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoy a few of my favorite Christmas cartoons!!! Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Lesson #33 - Santa Comes To Those Who Are Patient

Dear Santa,

I know that I'm a little late writing to you this year...and I apologize for that. In the past I've always been the one who would write to you the day AFTER Chrsitmas - for the following year. It used to be that I was the overachiever...and that was just fine with me.

This year is a little different, though, Big Man. You see, that bundle of joy that was given to our little family in July has been keeping me up at night making me laugh until I cry getting me to cry until my eyes are puffy on my toes for the past (almost) six months. She is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but I never knew that it would be this fabulous! Even with all of the ups and downs and turned arounds...I wouldn't have changed anything that happened this year for anything.

So, you see Man in Red...I have been so busy enjoying the joys of life this year that I really haven't had the need to write to you asking for anything. I already have everything that I could ever need, or want, or desire in this world.

That being said, I would like to ask for a few things - on behalf of others. As our little fam was busy soaking up life, a brave little man was fighting for his own. Jaden Duttine is a mere two years old, but has already gone through more procedures in his short life than any person I know. So, if it isn't too much trouble, please make sure Jaden is home with his family for the holiday season!

I would also like to ask that you watch over Christine and her family as they spend their (possibly) last Christmas with her step-son. It is never easy to say good-bye - and even more difficult when that person is a child. I hope that you are able to give them a Christmas filled with happiness and fond memories.

I am fully aware that there are many more of my bloggy friends who need Christmas miracles this year...and as long as you've been reading each and every one of their posts (like I have been trying to do) then I'm sure you have quite an impressive list going! I know that you might not be able to get to all of them this year...but any extraordinary effort to do so would be much appreciated!

With all the joy in my little heart,

Lesson #32 - Christmas Is A Time For Family

To say that I am a little stressed about Christmas this year would be a bit of an understatement!

Thanksgiving was fun...our little fam ate with the man's side of the family on Wednesday night. We were going to go all out - since the man was off for once - but since I was being forced into solitude had to work that idea was quickly nixed. There is no way that the man - or even someone as talented as me - could have put together a home-cooked meal while taking care of the babe. The fried turkey takes a watchful eye, the mashed potatoes needs supervision and a bit of elbow grease, the stuffing was made by the hub's grandfather - whether we home-cooked dinner or not - and the gravy (and cranberry sauce...and corn) was coming out of a can. Okay, so maybe there wasn't THAT much to do...but with a broken wrist, there is no way of getting it done - while I'm at work - and being ready to eat at 5pm.

For those of you who are feeling less than ambitious around the holiday season - and have a Bob Evans somewhere around - I would highly suggest purchasing a pre-packaged holiday meal! Now, just because it was purchased somewhere, that doesn't mean that it isn't flavorful or cooked with love with some degree of care. The family came, they ate, they drank, they talked, they conquered, they passed around the babe and they went home.

As soon as the last family member was out the door - into the car we went with all of our luggage and the babe. Saying that we were driving down the interstate at 100 mph just doesn't give the siutation justice. My parents were awake and ready to welcome us with open arms...even though we were all dead tired and just wanted to curl up in the fetal position cry ourselves out of delerium pull the covers over our faces and sleep for days. The following day everyone began the cooking frenzy of sweet potato cassarole, fried turkey, garlic mashed potatoes and various desserts. Did I mention that we were all going to the neighbor's house for dinner...oh, I forgot that part...well, now you know! Needless to say it was a long and stressful and tiring day.

The man thought it would be a better idea if my parents stayed with us over Christmas - to avoid us having to go between our house and their for presents and festivities and dinner - because it really is all about us! So, our home will be filled with the man, myself and the babe in the master bedroom - my grandmother is staying in the 2nd master bedroom - my parents (minus the puppies, thank goodness) will be staying in the basement bedroom. They are arriving tonight and staying until Saturday afternoon. Oh joy!!

Since the man is back to work now, after being at home after breaking his wrist, we will have to eat an early lunch around 11a. That means that the cooking will start LONG before that - since we'll have to get a fried turkey, loin roast (not mine), green bean cassarole, garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potato cassarole, chicken stuffing, chicken AND beef gravy (yes, home made) and an apple pie done in time for that 11a deadline. Ugh!! I hope things go better in real life than they're playing out in my head.

On the upside...Macy's is open for 24 hours today...YAY for shopping!!

Wish me luck everyone!!

Lesson #31 - One Joint Christmas Dinner Is Better Than One...Right?!

Welcome to "Transient Tuesdays"...I am glad that you decided to stop by! Have a seat, kick up your feet and enjoy this week's post from The Bathroom Mommy. Mommy is in the Bathroom is an INSANELY FUNNY blog!! If you aren't already a loyal follower, I think you're missing out! Granted, she is taking a blogcation (but was FAB enough to share this lesson with us this week) but you'll be sorry if you haven't started following her here once she returns! Without any further ado...this is the story of dinner lessons (kind of) learned!

I was 21 years old the first time I cooked Christmas dinner for my family- my mom, dad and sister- and my hubby's family- about 25 people.

For your reference, I'm pretty sure Roseann Bar based the Connors off my hubby's family. Except hubby's family isn't laid back and funny. Mine is. His family thinks the Rapture and end of times will occur if everything isn't exactly how it always is.

They're Jackie from Roseann. 25 Jackies I was about to cook my first big dinner for.

It was our first Christmas in our brand new house. I wanted to show what a great housewife I would make.

So I planned. I started planning in November. I was going all out. 7+ appetizers, 10+ side dishes, 3 types of meat, desserts, the works.

My mom and sister came over the day before Christmas Eve to help me prep. My family always does our big thing on Christmas Eve at my parents house with our close family friends, so no prep would be done on that day until well into the wee morning hours.

We prepped as much as we could. We planned the menu timing so every thing would finish around the same time. We set up tables and more tables and decorations. I put out the high class paper plates and plastic silverware.

Yes, I may have over did the food, but there was no way I was going to do dishes for 31 people. I had been at previous Christmas dinners with the hubby's family. Nobody but his Grandma and Mom helped. With anything.

Christmas day his family arrived late full of presents and worry. My family arrived early to help me.

In comes hubby's mom and grandma. OH MY GOD WHAT WERE WE DOING?

Where was the corn? That's all the corn we have? There is only five cans of CORN FOR 30 PEOPLE MELISSA!!!! THAT IS NOT ENOUGH.

I have 13 other side dishes hubby mom and grandma. I think we'll be ok.

NO! YOU DON'T KNOW OUR FAMILY AND CORN. OH MY GOD!!!! SOMEONE HAS TO RUN OUT RIGHT NOW AND GET MORE CORN!!!!!

What do you mean your family and corn? Are you serious right now?

YES!!!! WAIT.... OH HOLY LORD THAT'S ALL THE MASHED POTATOES YOU HAVE???

No, I have those, scalloped potatoes and potatoes au gratin. We peeled over 75 potatoes. I think we have enough.

YOU MADE REAL POTATOES??? NOBODY IS GOING TO EAT THAT. OH MY GOD!! DIDN'T YOU KNOW WE ONLY EAT BOXED MASHED POTATOES MELISSA?!?! OH MY GOD. PICK UP 6 BOXES OF POTATO FLAKES WITH THE CORN! OH GOD, THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.

At this point, I'm biting my tongue and pinching myself so hard I look like I was in a fight with 3rd grade girl. My sister is ready to go ninja and my mom is drinking herself into oblivion.

Hey Melissa, where are the plates and forks? My hubby's uncle asks me standing right in front of the table holding the super fancy paper plates and plasticware.

Right there.

You're using paper plates?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you needed Waterford Crystal to eat your boxed mashed potatoes and 4 lbs of effing canned corn...

Of course, this was coming from the guy who was supposed to supply the pop for 31 people and showed up with a 2 liter of off brand Cola and Diet Cola. But no one said a word about that. Instead, I only had 2 gallons of milk for 31 people. Cuz didn't I know every single person drinks huge glasses of milk with Christmas dinner??

My hubby ran to the gas station and bought 15 cans of corn and 5 boxes of mashed potatoes. I made them all.

My appetizers went untouched by his family. Instead, all 3 bags of Lays Ruffles, Doritos, and Cheesey Poofs from my pantry disappeared.

All night I listed to the unbelievable sin I committed of only buying 5 cans of corn, making real mashed potatoes, having only 2 gallons of milk and using paper plates and plasticware.

No one said thank you but my family. No one said it tasted good but my family. His family bitched I didn't have enough containers for them to pack up the left overs (of EVERYTHING, even the appetizers no one ate) and had to use ziplock bags.

No wonder they require so much corn. I wasn't only feeding them tonight. I was feeding them for the next week.

Hubby's cousins, who were our age and already had toddlers, didn't watch them.

Think back to your life before kids. How annoying other peoples kids are when you don't have any of your own. Nothing is more infuriating than watching and listening to other peoples kids scream, cry, and tear your brand new house apart while their parents sit their lazy asses on the couches and bitch about not having left over containers to take home all the food they bitched about eating.

My family left as soon as dinner was over. They couldn't take it anymore.

The following year his family wanted Christmas at our house because it's the only one big enough to comfortably hold everyone. I, with a severe case of new mommy brain, agreed. My family shockingly decided to stay home on Christmas day that next year.

But I, of course, put my passive aggressive smart ass spin on it.

I made a turkey, bought 20 cans of corn (why do you have so much corn, Melissa?), made 10 boxes of mashed potatoes (that's a lot of potatoes, Melissa), 6 gallons of milk (those are going to go bad. We should take those with us, Melissa), stuffing, and a couple bags of salad and frozen biscuits. Appetizers were chips. His grandma brought the desserts. And his family brought their own take home containers that year.

I guess lessons sorta learned?

No, lesson was learned this year, 7 years later, when I finally said, we're not hosting Christmas. We'll see ya when dinner is served.

Lesson #29 - Music Lies

So...being that today marks exactly seven more sleeps until Christmas morning - I thought I would do my own version of WTF Friday - Holiday Edition. I hope you all enjoy it!!

Note: I am not an overly religious person...but I was taken to Mass from the time I was born until I was old enough to say no and stay home by myself. I was also enrolled in a private Catholic school from Kindergarten through my senior year of high school (you can laugh...its okay...I will wait...and yes, you can think that...about 99% of it is true. Done?! Good!).

I have always loved holiday music. I can remember when I was a little kid and my dad would pull out his (very) old record player and throw on some tunes while we all put the Christmas tree up and baked cookies. My most favorite song HAD to have been "Do You Hear What I Hear" and I'm pretty sure that particular record is still alive and kicking - somewhere - despite my obsession...I digress. I wanted to take a moment to analyze the song (in italics) - trust me...this is good stuff!

This song was penned in October 1962 by Noel Regney and Gloria Shayne Baker as a plea for peace during the Cuban Missile Crisis (I don't know about YOU, but whenever I see or hear of think about missiles...this video comes to mind...moving on!). The lyrics are awe inspiring and the music is catchy...but within are LIES - ALL LIES!!

Said the night wind to the little lamb, (First and foremost...the wind doesn't talk. I don't know about you, but the last time an object - or being - talked to me was when I was drunk. So, I think it is safe to assume that this lamb is either drunk or on some sort of illegal substance.)
"Do you see what I see? Way up in the sky, little lamb, Do you see what I see? (Of course the lamb can see in the sky...I mean, it might be in black and white - like dogs - but the lamb can still see)
A star, a star, dancing in the night (Since we are going to assume that the lamb is drunk - we'll give the benefit of the doubt on any illegal substances - then OF COURSE the star was dancing!! That poor lamb probably couldn't tell his left from his right...its a crying shame!)
With a tail as big as a kite, With a tail as big as a kite." (This is the North star we're talking about...not an entire constellation...just one star. A star appears as a shining orb in the night sky...I forgot what they look like thanks to all the city lights - but I digress again...tails are only present on SHOOTING stars - also known as meteorites - or poo falling from one of the Apollo space shuttles)

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, (I felt sorry for the lamb...he got into some rancid water and got a little drunk...but now, NOW, he is trying to get a little boy on board?? You have got to be kidding me!! See kids, this is how drinking can lead to a life of crime and drug dealing...peer pressure is BAD!) 
"Do you hear what I hear? Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy, Do you hear what I hear? (Now the lamb is hearing voices in his head...I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt...but then he goes and ADMITS to hearing the voices. Not only that, but he is pushing his drugged/schizophrenic ideas on a boy. It just isn't right!) 
A song, a song high above the trees (According to the Bible...you know, that book collection dust on a shelf in your study - I know you have one somewhere...an Angel - not a song from the sky - came down to shepherds (the grown men kind) in a field and announced the Savior had been born. The shepherds then decided to travel to Bethlehem to see the child.) 
With a voice as big as the the sea, With a voice as big as the the sea." (A song can't have a voice...but rather, a voice does sing a song. None of this matters, though, because the Angel who came down SPOKE to the shepherds...it did not SING to them. I can only imagine - actually no I can't - how big an Angel's voice is...booming - seeing as it is in the sky and has a point to get across.) 

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king, (When has it ever been wise for a drunken/drugged young child to visit a person of power...I'll wait for you to think about it...that is right - NEVER! It never leads to anything good. Not to mention the fact that it wasn't a boy who spoke to Herod - the king of Judea - but rather wise men (astronomers) who had seen the newly formed North Star.) 
"Do you know what I know? In your palace warm, mighty king, Do you know what I know? (So, not only is this little boy supposedly speaking to a king, but also insulting him...really, really?!?! Again, NEVER a good idea to insult a person in power...especially since that person could very well end your life at will...AT WILL PEOPLE!)
A Child, a Child shivers in the cold (Of course the Child is shivering...it is DECEMBER and he was just born in a stable! Why was He born in a stable, you ask...well, it is because there was a mandated census taking place in Bethlehem at the time and all of the hotels had sold out of room nights. It makes me sick, really, to think that a census would take place and the leader knew full well that there wasn't enough space to accommodate everyone.)
Let us bring him silver and gold, Let us bring him silver and gold." (The wise men mentioned above DID indeed take gifts to the Child. Silver, though, was not one of those gifts...they actually took Gold, Frankincence and Myrrh. Don't ask me what those last 2 are...I just report what I read. If they are of any relation to that AWFUL smelling stuff wafting around at Midnight Mass, then it probably wasn't such a great idea to take that to a baby...it could cause early development of allergies. I wonder how the wise men felt when they arrived?? I'd feel like a slightly loser since it took 2 years to even reach Christ...yes folks, these men were following a STAR for TWO YEARS!!! Maybe that is why men don't want to stop for directions?!?!)

Said the king to the people everywhere, (Oh yes...king Herod sure did make a big deal about the birth of the Savior. He secretly met with the wise men and asked them to report back to him once they had found Christ's location - so that he could go and worship as well. The wise men knew something was afoot and ended up keeping their mouths SHUT - good for them!)
"Listen to what I say! Pray for peace, people, everywhere, Listen to what I say! (Everyone was listening - that is for sure - but you weren't telling them to pray for peace...you were asking for information on the Child's location...why?? You were secretly plotting to KILL him - that is why!! What kind of person are you?! I mean, I know we have phrases like, "like taking candy from a baby," but we don't ACTUALLY take the candy!! Babies can't defend themselves - let alone stop you from killing one of them...it is just sickening to even suggest such an atrocity!)
The Child, the Child sleeping in the night (Yes, children do sleep during the night...usually...however, there are those few who wake at all hours of the night to cry, eat and roll themselves over without knowing it. I know...my child is one of them!)
He will bring us goodness and light, He will bring us goodness and light." (Sorry Herod, but goodness and light certainly weren't high on YOUR Christmas list. Know how I know that?? Because - when you didn't hear back from the wise men who had ventured out to visit Christ - it was YOU who ORDERED the killing of all male children under the age of 2 in EVERY household in the land! Talk about insecure...Herod, sir, you might have been the ruler of a kingdom - but you couldn't have ACTUALLY thought you'd be the Savior of all mankind...could you?!?!?!)

So, you see folks, music lies!!