Wednesday, January 6

Lesson #41 - The Babe Only Gets One Container Of Solid Food A Day

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I woke up on Saturday to the babe talking...LOUD...probably saying, "Hey you lazy broad - come and get me so I can get a new diaper and some food...like, yesterday!!!!" One of the best feelings in the world is walking in to get the babe in the morning (or after she wakes from a nap) and seeing her all smiles and giggles...it is indescribable joy! After a quick diaper change (I'm talking under 30 seconds) I take the babe downstairs for some breakfast. The man wasn't too far behind - stumbling down the stairs in despirate need of his morning coffee! A container of peaches was gotten and soon the babe was making quite the mess bathing in her orange drool swallowing mouthfuls of sweet fruit as she looked around the family room. Then, sitting down with his coffee, the man turned on the TV and looked my way,

"You have been doing a lot lately. If you want to go out and run your errands today I will stay home and play with the babe until you get home. Then all of us can put together an early dinner and cuddle in front of a movie."

I'm sorry...what?!?! Did you just offer me a day of running around sans the babe...without having to ask you...AND it was your idea?! "Who are you and what have you done with my husband," I asked the man. He just laughed and insisted I go out and enjoy myself - maybe even get my hair did like I'd been wanting to do for the past few weeks.

After the babe was finished making a mess with her breakfast, I passed her over to the man, made myself presentable, and got out the door. Being without the babe - or the man - is not something that happens often and I was determined to enjoy the day. Off to the salong I went and was happy to find that my stylist was available - and open - right that minute...this IS going to be a good day!! I had a few other errands to run...the usually walking around the mall just to "window shop", stop at Target for toothpaste and deodorant (the folks at work started to complain) and a quick pause at CVS for a prescription refill.



I ended up finishing my running around a bit earlier than expected and I was actually eager to get home to see the babe and the man. I pulled into the house, walked up to the front door, turned my key, walked in and couldn't help myself from saying, "Hi honey, I'm home!" I turned to my left and was greeted by a brown haired woman - I've never seen before - feeding the babe a container of solid food. Looking at her I calmly said, "Who are you and why are feeding my baby solid food?!" I wanted to ask her name, why she was in my home and where my husband was - among other questions - but she didn't look too bright and I wanted to avoid any confusion.

My chin hit the floor when the dumb brunette broad looked at me and said, "What do you mean you're baby? This is my boyfriend's child and it is her dinner-time." It was all I could do to keep my cool (as you can probably imagine)!!! At this point all I could muster was, "The babe already had solid food for breakfast and she can only have one container a day." Just as I finished my statement, the man came waltzing down the stairs. He looked at me, then at the brunette, that at the babe and back at me. Wouldn't you know it...the best he could come up with was, "You've got to be effing kidding me!"

I don't know if she thought it was a good idea to speak at this moment, but the dumb broad looked at the man and said, "This woman just came in and said the babe was her child. I thought you said the front door was locked honey." Yeah, ok...time to teach this biotch a lesson...and not just any lesson, but I was about tograbherhairanddragheraroundtheneighborhoodattachedtothebackofmycar...so that is what I did. Before I knew it, her hair was in my grip and out the front door she went - rolling as she fell down the stairs and off the sidewalk. I turned back to the man and said, "What were you thinking feeding the babe two containers of solid food?!?! You know her tummy can only handle one right now!!"

...then I woke up...

The man started laughing when I finished telling him my dream. He looked at the babe as she giggled and cooed and said to her, "See babe...the moral of the story is that you can only have one container of solid food a day." I could have hit him!! Ugh...men!!

36 comments:

April said...

OMG ... this was too funny!!! LMAO!!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Too funny! You totally had me going.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I should have known when you got an offer for a day out alone that it was a dream. That's hysterical.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

OMG!! I was reading with my mouth WIDE open and then you said you woke up!! LOL!!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I'm laughing my head off!!
hugs

Queenie Jeannie said...

Ohmygosh - what a dream!!! Had to laugh though....baby food was more important to you than having your man messin around! Soooo glad it was just a dream!

BigSis said...

Yeah, I'm with DG - the part that truly indicated it was a dream was that the man suggested you get out and that he'd handle everything :)

Ma What's 4 dinner said...

Too funny!

Hey, come check out my blog today. You got an award from me!

http://mawhats4dinner.com/i-got-my-first-blog-award/

Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner?
www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

Jessica said...

OMG! You had me getting angry for you. I couldn't understand why you were getting upset about the food and not the woman! That is so funny, now that I know it was a dream :) Stopping by from SITS and love your blog!

Shell said...

That was hilarious!

Big Boops said...

Hilarious! I had a dream similar to this last night. And I definitely woke with a start. Maybe some of it will come true and you'll get a day off!

Happy Mom said...

Oh my! You had me and I almost stopped reading because of the crazy that may follow.

I just love dreams. They are so dramatic.

JennyMac said...

That was too funny!

Complicated Mama said...

LOL... dreams are so strange like that.

Samantha said...

lol...I have odd dreams myself...this was funny :) I was, however, jealous at first...

Tina Lane said...

I am happy this ended in a dream sequence because otherwise someone might have died.

LOL.

Mindy said...

...and then he offered to let you have your day out, Right?!!!

Mommy Lisa said...

Hubs once had a dream I cheated on him and was kind of po'd at me for a couple of days. Whatta weirdo he is! :) Dreams!!!

Theta Mom said...

And I was thinking this really happened??? LOL

Mrs. G.I. Joe said...

CRAZY!!! I was wigging out reading this at work.

I seriously thought your man was cheating at first then that some strange woman broke into your house.

I have crazy dreams too though. So I completely understand!

Laura said...

I was all ready to do some kick boxing and then I read the last paragraph. THANK GOD it was all a dream. Love this post sweetie...keep em coming.

Tesa said...

That's hilarious! You totally had me. I was on the edge of my seat wondering who the woman was! It sounds like one of my dreams. I often wake up thinking, didn't I already get up and go about my day?

Stopping by from SITS. I like your blog and am looking forward to reading more.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

You had my heart pounding, you told this story with so much detail (like Target-- yes, every trip out of the house sans baby includes a stop there in my world!!!) that I thought it must be true. I kept waiting for you to beat the utter cr*p out of the other woman... I am so glad it was just a dream! You had me going :)

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Annie said...

oh my gosh, that is way too funny! HAHA!!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Hee hee...great dream! So funny. Definitely says something about the state of motherhood...fine,our husbands may be screwing around, but dammit, don't over feed the baby! :)

Menopausal New Mom said...

Okay, you totally got me with that!! Loved it, can't wait to read more, awesome!

Hope you bitchslapped her some more before you woke up and gave him a good one between the legs Lol!

Gay Vaughan said...

Okay, you did have me going for a bit...but thought it was getting a little strange...then you woke up! Too funny! Dreams are weird sometimes. Funny stuff!

Multiple personalities.. said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That was TOO funny and cute. I gotta tell ya, for a second, you really had me going. I was sitting up with my mouth agape at what was unfolding. Very cool, very funny! Thanks for stopping by today! :-D

Amanda said...

Wow, I thought that I was having crazy dreams lately but I think you've beat me on this one.

I was literally on the edge of my seat reading this one, thinking "OMG, he did not just...". You got me good!

blueviolet said...

Boy am I glad that was a dream!!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

I love that your only concern was the amount of solid food your baby was eating. That cracked me up.

New Mommy!!! said...

Oh my gosh!! My heart was beating so fast, and I almost couldn;t breathe!! I couldn't believe it, then I thought you must be joking, but you kept going, and oh my gosh, I was like, is she seriously telling mer her husband was cheating on her through her blog!!?? that sounds crazy, right??!! I was about to get really mad at this woman (and your husband!) I couldn;t figure out why you kept talking about the food??!! How old is your little babe?

New Mommy!!! said...

But, now I'm sad...so, does this mean you didn;t get a day out sans babe and husband, and didn't get a salon/shopping/mini-vaca day??

Keely said...

NICE. Really, really nice.

Keely said...

That was totally not sarcastic, either. You had me going.

Although now I'm going to be suspicious of any offers like that from hubby.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I was thinking for a minute that you were either

A. In the wrong house because you live in one of those cookie cutter neighborhoods where they all look the same. (I always wondered if drunk cookie cutter dwellers end up in the wrong house.)

B. One of those bloggers that lays out all your dirty laundry to everyone. (I was just about to go pop some popcorn before I finished reading.)

*smooches™

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